A Journey from Darkness
"It's like being able to control your own human command center so you can dial up the parts of you that you wish for more, and you can dial down the parts of you that you wish for less."
Seven years ago, I faced a moment where I questioned my very presence in the world. It might sound dramatic, attributable to my Leo personality, known for flair, but it's a stark truth. At the heart of this turmoil was alcohol—a common thread in 30% to 40% of all suicide attempts, necessitating a conversation about alcohol and mental health.
Whether you partake in alcohol or not, the reality is that we all know someone affected by its shadow. My story is one of many, a clichéd tale of seeming success and hidden struggle. In my twenties, I appeared to thrive with a great job, supportive family, and vibrant personality. Yet internally, I was at odds with the world and myself.
The Illusion of Control
Throughout my late teens and into my twenties, self-loathing was a constant companion. I despised my appearance, my mental processes, and my relentless need to be the funniest or smartest. It felt like everyone else had a life manual that I lacked, leading to chronic anxiety and depressive episodes.
In this self-destructive headspace, alcohol seemed like the perfect discovery—a means to control my command center. It allowed me to amplify desirable traits and suppress unwanted ones. It dulled the internal voice claiming inadequacy and irrelevance, providing temporary respite from my critical perfectionism.
The Party Life
I started drinking at 18, swept up in the university culture. If awards were given for partying, I’d have secured at least a silver medal. Many nights ended in tears or unexpected destinations, like Dover, 55 miles from home. Despite this chaos, I was the go-to friend for wild, unforgettable nights, ironically nicknamed "Generous Millie" for my penchant for buying rounds of Jaeger bombs.
By 26, the party had lost its appeal. My goal was not fun but obliteration, leading to dangerous, blackout-prone episodes. Weekdays became a recovery period, and weekends a relapse into partying, a "weekend warrior" losing the battle.
Challenging Perceptions and Labels
When thinking about alcohol problems, many imagine a stereotypical middle-aged man who's lost everything. This narrow portrayal dismisses other forms of alcohol misuse, like mine. I was a thriving young adult, yet spiraled into a drink-revolved life.
Alcohol use and mental health are cyclic—difficult to determine which is cause or effect, entrenching the cycle's hold. Attempts to break free meet resistance from societal norms. Responses to my desire to quit drinking usually included "why," "you're not an alcoholic," and "you're not that bad," revealing pervasive myths surrounding alcohol issues.
A New Understanding
Did you know there's no physical test for alcoholism? The decision of this label falls on the individual, yet it can deter people from seeking help. Professionally, "alcohol use disorder" is preferred, acknowledging that it exists on a spectrum.
Initiatives have begun to replace definitive labels with person-centered language, focusing on the individual rather than reducing them to a single trait. The word "alcoholic" can diminish a person to a single characteristic—a trap for many.
Finding Sobriety
At 26, I resolved to quit drinking, a decision that marked the beginning of my recovery. I realized how prevalent stories like mine are when I started Sober Girl Society in 2018, which has since grown into a global community.
Despite awareness campaigns, dialogues around alcohol remain scarce. Open discussions often evoke accusations of being "boring," "preachy," or "judgmental." Yet this is a matter of life and death. The tragic deaths of reality TV stars Sophie Graydon and Mike Thalassitis, both with alcohol in their systems at their times of death, underscore alcohol's profound impact on mental health.
A Hidden Epidemic
Few know that the day after drinking poses a heightened risk of suicidal behavior. Alcohol lowers inhibitions and can exacerbate symptoms of mental illness. Combined with drugs like cocaine, the risk amplifies wildly due to chemicals like cocaethylene.
Alcohol can also lead to blackout episodes, periods where no memories form due to rapid blood alcohol level spikes. Known as "hangxiety," the hangover state disrupts neurotransmitter balance, intensifying anxiety and depression.
Final Thoughts
Recognizing alcohol's deceptive nature is key to addressing its mental health impact:
- Respect Choices: If someone abstains from alcohol, spare assumptions and labels like "boring."
- Understanding: Support those who choose sobriety; their reasons are personal and valid.
- Self-Reflection: Assess whether alcohol enhances or detracts from your life. Ask if life could improve with moderation or cessation.
- Seeking Help: For those feeling lost, know that answers don’t lie in substances.
I stand here today, grateful for sobriety’s clarity. I've found a place of belonging in the world, right here on this big red dot, sharing my journey with you.
ALCOHOL USE DISORDER, SUPPORT, YOUTUBE, SELF-DISCOVERY, SOCIETAL NORMS, ALCOHOL, SOBRIETY, MENTAL HEALTH